


Am I Not Enough?

by Ghostin8220



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Jealous Jeremy, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, smut?, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-01 10:11:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18333851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostin8220/pseuds/Ghostin8220
Summary: In a last-ditch attempt to get rid of his feeling for his bestfriend, Michael I-Fucked-Up Mell accidentally starts dating the second most popular guy in school. Jeremy Not-So-Straight Heere decides that this is all a ruse and tries everything to stop it from happening.





	1. Michael I-Fucked-Up Mell

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god, how do I do these things??

The loud thumping of music allowed Michael to ground himself into his position on the worn couch. He was barely able to grasp his sobriety as he took another sip of his drink.

'How do I allow myself to be put in this position?' He thought bitterly as the rough, burning liquid slid down his throat almost easily.

Jeremy had convinced him through countless begging and fake tears to even make him consider coming to this stupid fucking party. It was nowhere near as bad as the last party he attended but he still was left with the same product. He noted that more people had shown up than the last one he had been to but since he was now good friends with the 'popular' kids, he was allowed into certain areas of the house than others.

So now Michael was sat in some back room in Chloe's house as he choked down his loneliness. He had been at this party for well over an hour and the last time he saw Jeremy was well, over an hour ago. Within minutes of arriving at this fucking shithole party, Jeremy was dragged off by Chloe and Brooke, a broken promise spouted from his lips as he was torn from his friend.

_ "I'll be back soon!" _

Michael started to wonder what god he pissed off to get the luck he had. He was hopelessly in love with Jeremy. God, he would do anything for that boy, he'd even deal with his worst fear, loneliness, to see him laugh, smile. That's why he spent two months dealing with the crushing feeling of abandonment because he wasn't enough. He knew this. He knew that he would never be enough to Jeremy, even now. It would never just be them two again. Jeremy had made new friends, shit he'd even gone and gotten the girl of his dreams. Michael was just a side-character in this story. The witty best friend who  _ always  _ is so fine, cool, and chill. Michael was not allowed to have flaws.

Michael was background noise in Jeremy's story, only needed to advance the plot.

He knew he was basically alone, even with the new friends he had made over the last couple of months. He felt as though they were forced to be friends with him.  Jeremy had made it clear that they were a package deal but he never dealt with what they did, he was never squipped. He can't connect to them when they're all hanging out and the conversations serious. Michael could never relate, his pain would never be what theirs were. He had no right to complain so he decided to keeps his mouth shut.

It's been two months since the Squip incident and Michael can't lie, it's been utter shit. Jeremy tried to rush into things. They haven't even talked about anything that's happened. He doesn't know about Michael's panic attack in Jake Dillinger's bathroom or Michael's sudden relapse. Shit, Jeremy hasn't even asked why he's seeing his shitty therapist again.

The two haven't hung out properly, Jeremy always canceling last minute to go on a date with Christine or read lines with Christine. Christine, Christine, fucking Christine.

Michael looked down and stared at his reflection in the liquid.

_ Pathetic _

He down the rest of his cup in one fell swoop.

"Shit, that's impressive." Michael jumped, his eyes shooting to the figure now standing in the doorway. He was tall and seemed vaguely familiar, "Travis McDoon." Michael recognized him now, the pair shared Chemistry together and he was good friends with Jake.

Travis was tall and built, he had dark black hair and beautiful brown eyes. Oh, and did I mention captain of the rugby team?

"Chemistry?" Michael cringed at how lame he sounded, tonight was not his night. Travis laughed and nodded before sitting down on the opposite end of the couch.

"Yeah, we have Chemistry together," Travis scanned Michael's body for a moment, "Where's your hoodie?"

Michael flushed, did he really look that bad without his hoodie?

"Oh, uh," Michael fumbled with his fingers, "My friend told me to ditch it for the night. I guess it was too lame to wear to a party."

The taller male next to him pouted a bit, "I didn't think it was lame." the boy scooted closer, "I like your hoodie, the patches were really cool. Ooh! I especially liked the Apocalypse of the Damned one!"

Michael smiled brightly, "I don't think ever met anyone besides my best friend who's even heard of AOTD!"

The boys continued to chat, the room grew warmer as they started to scoot closer to one another. Michael could feel the taller boy's breath on his face and neck. Travis's eyes trailed from Michael's lips to his eyes, god when did the room get so warm?

"I know we just started talking but god- fuck, Michael can I kiss you?"

Michael knew this was gonna be a bad idea, he was just using this extremely attractive boy to get over Jeremy. But he  _ needed  _ this, he needed to get over Jeremy and maybe get some kinda release. God, this was a bad idea.

"God, yes." He murmured as he softly looked up at the boy.

Warm lips pressed into his as he was lifted from his spot on the worn, old couch. Michael was promptly set into Travis's lap as hands roamed his body, a warm tongue swept across his bottom lip and he greedily accepted it with open arms, a soft moan escaped him. Michael wasn't good at this but Travis was more than understanding and was an ample teacher.

The taller boy pulled away first, "Is- Is this going too fast for you?" He spoke softly and he lightly traced figures into Michael's arm, "I don't wanna pressure you into anything."

Michael shook his head, "Can we try it again?" His voice was small and it held light desperation. He  _ needed _ this.

Travis complied easily, eagerly pressing his mouth into Michael's. Michael greedily moaned into the kiss as the other's hands trailed under his button-up shirt. They pulled away briefly.

"Again."

"Again"

"Again"

Michael arched his back in pleasure as Travis started to press kisses to his jaw and neck, stopping every now and again to nip and suck. It felt so so good but also so wrong. Michael couldn't stop thinking about what if it was Jeremy kissing him so passionately or Jeremy nipping and sucking beautiful marks into his neck. God help him.

"Hey Mike, Jeremy wanted me to tell you- Holy fuckin shit!" Michael yelped loudly, jumping far away from Travis.

Michael peered up helplessly as Rich and Jenna Rolan stood in the doorway with matching shit-eating grins. He groaned and covered his hands. He fucked up big time.

"Michael, we left you alone for a couple of hours-" Michael groaned even more as Rich smirked even more, "-and you go and make out with Travis fucking McDoon."

Michael sat up and ran a hand through his hair, feeling the dampness of his sweaty hair made him cringe. His eyes shot to Jenna, who was furiously typing and sighed loudly.  Great, now the entire school knows he was practically dry humping Travis fucking McDoon.

"What did Jeremy want you to tell me, Rich?" Michael stood up as he talked, running another hand through his hair, desperately needing a fix.

"Oh shit right," Rich pulled out his phone scrolled for a minute and cleared his throat, trying to pitch his voice to sound like the anxiety-ridden teen, "Rich, I can't get ahold of Michael so if you see him tell him I gotta ride from Christine and he doesn't have to stay at the party."

Of course, this was typical. Michael pushed the thought of Jeremy and Christine from his mind as he ran another stressed hand through his hair. The embarrassment that was crawling up his throat was replaced with anger. Jeremy didn't even try to come and find him. Michael glanced at his phone and saw five new messages from Jeremy. Well, he sure tried hard to get a hold of him. Did Jeremy expect him to sit on his phone all night?! Is that why he was brought to this fucking stupid party? To drive Jeremy's drunk ass home?

Michael was livid.

"Yeah, fuck-" Michael took a deep breath, "Can you leave now?" He didn't mean to snap at the smaller boy but he couldn't help the anger radiating from his body.

Rich's eyes grew wide, he had never seen much emotion from the tan-skinned boy. He only saw him smiling or laughing; Rich started to wonder if the boy was worse off than he was telling his friends.

The pair gave a soft goodbye before shutting the door, leaving the flustered couple to themselves.

Travis awkwardly laughed, feeling slightly ashamed of himself, "Hey, I'm sorry if that was too much. I didn't mean to come off like th-" Michael shook his head profusely and cursed lightly.

"Oh god no-" Michael took another deep breath, "I enjoyed the kiss a lot. It's just- I'm aggravated at my friend."

Travis nodded understandingly, "I'm guessing this about that Jeremy kid, the one you always hang out with?"

"Yeah." Michael gave no further information and Travis seemed to understand that. They talked for a couple more minutes before deciding to exchange numbers. Michael felt happy, truly happy as Travis wished him goodnight and kissed his forehead lightly.

Maybe things would work out for him after all.

But knowing Michael I-Fucked-Up Mell, it probably could only get worse. 

\----

**[11:34 PM]**

**Player two** _ : Hey sorry for ditching you. Chloe and Brooke are forcing me and Christine in a closet for some alone time _

**[11:47 PM]**

**Player two** _ :  I totally just made out with Christine and it was amazing omfg _

**[11:52 PM]**

**Player two:** _ Michael where are you I wanna go home. I don't wanna be here anymore. _

**Player two:** _ Mikey? _

**[11:56 PM]**

**Player two:** _ Forget it, Christine's gonna take me home. you can leave now dude _

**[12:15 AM]**

**Player two:** _ Dude what the fuck happened to you at the party _

**Player two:** _ Travis McDoon????? _

**[12:15 AM]**

**Chloe:** _Heard about you and Travis. Glad to know my party was a service to you_

**Chloe:** _ Should I sterilize my couch now? _

**[12:16 AM]**

**JakeyDD:** _ I approve. _

**[12:16 AM]**

**Bi!Bi!Bi!:** _ Yo didn't knw u had gaem dude. totally hto dude. _

**Bi!Bi!Bi!:** _ also are u good dude?? you seemed suuuuuuper stressed but that might from getting caught making out with fucking McDoon. _

_ \---- _

Michael wasn't prepared for the shit storm that was gonna arise Monday. He had promised that Friday before that he'd start giving him a lift from now on so now Michael was forced to A) wake up earlier and B) drive his best friend to school who every conversation he's had with him alone has been stale and awkward. 

The car felt stuffy as Michael slowly pulled into the Heere driveway, sending a Jeremy a quick text telling him he's arrived. He ran a hand through his hair, mentally scolding himself for messing up his hair even more. He could do this, right? He's known Jere for over 12 years, yeah, no he could do this. He's got this. 

A couple of calming minutes rushed through him as he started to wonder if Jeremy was gonna show up. The thought didn't sit long though as Jeremy rushed out of front door, a panic look plastered on his face. 

Michael stifled his laugh as Jeremy yanked up the car door and dramatically plopped himself into the passenger seat, "Yeah yeah, laugh it up, Mell" he muttered as he situated himself, "I woke up like two whole minutes before you got here." 

"...Heere." 

Jeremy groaned loudly, "Micaaaaaaaaaah!" 

Michael was sent into a fit of giggles as his best friend repeatedly slapped his forehead into the dashboard as he muttered curses from his lips. The tan boy was laughing so hard tears streaming down his face and soon Jeremy was joining him. 

And suddenly, it was like old times, just two best friends laughing till their stomachs hurt. It was like the last two months hadn't happened and they were just themselves. Michael enjoyed every second of it. 

The laughter slowly died off, allowing the boys to regain themselves. 

This brought hope back to Michael, he felt like everything was actually alright. But honestly it wasn't, the reality was that they were not okay and playing imaginary isn't going to make it all go away. 

A beat of silence came over the car.

"I missed this..." Jeremy murmured softly, "I missed being able to laugh and talk with you, dude." Aa wide smile was plastered on his best friend's face and Michael actually started to believe everything was gonna be okay. 

"Me too, dude."

He was wrong and today was only the beginning. 

\---

The car ride had been oddly comfortable for both the boys. They talked the entire time and laughed about most everything and anything. It was honestly blissful. 

Right now the boys were chatting ideally while Michael went through his locker, his "Riends" backpack securely in his hands as he tossed his useless books into his locker.

"Oh! And Mr. Reyes is thinking 'bout letting me take another lead role for the spring play! I mean after everything that happened last ti-" 

"Oh hey sorry to interrupt," Michael froze at the new voice, a warm blush dusted his cheeks, "But you forgot this uh at the party and I thought you'd want it back." 

Travis McDoon was flustered as he smiled sheepishly at Michael and stretched out his hand. Michael's custom made wallet that Jeremy gave him for his 15th birthday was enclosed in his fist. 

"Oh shit!" Michael ecstatically grabbed the item from Travis's hand, "I spent like, like all Sunday looking for this! Oh my fuck, thank you so goddamn much- I have to repay you!" 

Jeremy rolled his eyes at the flustered scene before him, why was Michael so fixated on this guy? He wasn't all that; he's just some dumb jock. Jeremy noticed some students where watching the two with hungry looks. This would be the next talked about thing by lunch.

"Mike, I don't think that's necessary-"  


"You could make it up by letting me take you on a date?" Travis chuckled nervously and his hand rubbed his neck, "I mean of course if you don't want to then that's like completely fine too!'

Michael smiled brightly, "No, no, no, I would love to go on a date with you." Jeremy wanted to vomit as he watched Michael's face light up, his eyes brightening significantly as his smile grew. 

"How does Saturday sound?" Michael nodded enthusiastically, "Alright cool, I'll text you later?" 

Travis smiled even more before turning to leave before-

"What's your game with Michael?" Jeremy snapped suddenly, "I mean do you plan to like cancel on him or somethin', maybe embarrass him in front of people?" 

Travis furrowed his eyebrows and Michael quickly tried to jump in, "Jere-"   


"I only have the best intentions for your friend, I promise that." 

Jeremy rolled his eyes and pushed past Michael, who was desperately trying to stop some kinda altercation between the taller boys. 

"I just don't get what someone like you wants with him? I mean clearly, you must have other people to seduce besides my best friend."

Michael felt his heart deflate a bit, what was that suppose to mean? Did Jeremy not think he was good enough for Travis? He felt hurt but he also felt pissed. 

God, he was pissed. 

What right does Jeremiah fucking Heere have? He gave that shit up the minute he decided that his popularity was more important than their friendship. Fuck Jeremy and his let's-let -he-past-be-the-past mentality. 

Michael didn't notice himself zone out but the two other teens were aggressively staring at each other. He sighed loudly making the boy's head snap toward him. He completely ignored their concerned looks as he slammed his locker shut and walked off.

"Michael-"

"I'll fucking see you at lunch."

\---

Michael was so confused. 

Jeremy has and always will be Michael's best friend, even though they were going for rough patch right, they were always supposed to support one another. So why was he trying to sabotage something good for him? I mean Michael sat through Jeremy's crush over Christine for years so why would Jeremy try and ruin this for him? 

The tan-skinned boy rubbed his eyes as he made eye contact with the clock.

Five more minutes till lunch. 

Michael massaged his forehead lightly, hoping the pounding in his head decides to cease.  He, honest to god, needed a cigarette. He promised himself and Jeremy he would stop and he has! Michael picked up the addiction during the middle of his sophomore year after his dealer through them in during one his usual weed pickups. It was a stressful time of his life, he had just openly come out and was dealing with his confusing emotions toward his best friend. Much to popular disbelief, Michael didn't start developing feelings for Jeremy till the summer leading up to sophomore year. 

It was sudden too; Michael had no understanding of it at the time but the more he thought about it the happier it made hi-

The bell rang suddenly, startling the boy. He fumbled to gather his belongings. His hands shaking slightly as he reached for his bag, he needed a cigarette and bad. 

A hand touched his shoulder lightly as he stood up, Michael jumped at the touch and whirled around to see Travis smiling at him. 

"Can I walk you to lunch?" Michael physically relaxed and nodded happily. 

The pair started the journey to the cafeteria, they were the in the farthest hallway from the bustling battle zone. It was a comfortable silence for a moment before Travis cleared his throat, slightly aligning his body toward Michael. 

"I wanna apologize for this morning," Travis nervously rubbed his hands together, "I didn't mean to come off like I was gonna use or, or some shit. I genuinely like being near you. You're probably one the most genuine guys I've liker ever met..."  He trailed off for a moment and Michael doesn't know why but he reached over and grabbed his hand, giving him a reassuring smile.

They walked like that for a moment, every now and again Travis would squeeze his hand. It was calming and peaceful. 

Soon they were in the cafeteria entrance and Travis politely opening the door for Michael, who blushed wildly at the gesture. As soon as the pair entered the room, the area became suddenly quieter.

"Well, this is awkward..." Travis muttered and Michael let out a soft laugh. This was nice. 

"Hey so quick question," Travis turned to face toward the tan-boy now, "wanna make a huge scene?" 

A mischievous smile plastered on the boy's face and Michael returned it easily.

"What did you have in mind, Mr. McDoon?"

\---

"Holy fucking shit," Rich was elbowing both Jake, causing his entire table to look him, "it's fucking Michael and McDoon. I wonder they're talking about." Jeremy shot his head to meet where Rich's gaze lied. 

Jeremy felt heat coil in his stomach as he stared at Michael holding hands with that oversized pea-brain. Does Michael even know what he's doing right now? This could lead to social suicide if he did one thing wrong.

"Who knows and who cares honestly?" Jeremy muttered as he stole a grape from Christine's lunchbox, "I mean McDoon doesn't stand a chance with Michael."

"Jeremy!" Christine scolded him before lightly hitting his arm, "that's not very nice."

Jeremy rolled his eyes, "That's the point, Chris." he stole another grape and plopped it into his mouth, "Besides Michael would never go for a guy like  _him"_

Rich raised an eyebrow at him but promptly returned his gaze to the lovebirds across the cafeteria. 

Suddenly, before Jeremy had a chance to process it, Michael and Travis McDoon were kissing. 

"Holy fuCKING SHIT," Rich cheered loudly, "GET IT MELL, FUCKING GET IT, DUDE." 

Jeremy choked on the grape in his mouth. 

"What the fu-" He coughed, "Oh my god." 

As he started to regurgitate the grape, Jeremy released one precious thing-

He had a crush on Michael Fucking Mell. 

 


	2. Jeremy Not-So-Straight Heere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy thinks about his sudden realization. And we search deeper into the Mell Family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben Platt's new album booooooops.

The room stilled and Jeremy was positive he had stopped breathing.

Did he like Michael? This could be just a fluke, maybe he's just jealous his best friend was finding love. Yeah, that seems like a plausible answer and anyways, Jeremy's straight. Just because he wasn't dating Christine anymore doesn't mean he's automatically in dudes suddenly. 

Michael's just his best friend, the person he trusts the most. He's a great guy and he's always been there for Jeremy, even after he scorned and pushed him away; fuck even after Jeremy called him a loser. God, why did he deserve Michael? 

Perhaps Michael deserved someone like Travis...

A sudden shift next to him woke him from his inner consciousness. Michael had plopped himself down in the bench next to him, frightening the skinner boy. 

"Are you okay, Jere?" Michael's eyes were engulfed with concern as he scanned him for any signs of harm and his voice was soft, almost soothing to Jeremy. 

"Ooh yeah, I'm totally fine. You just- just scared me th-that's all." Jeremy tried not to unveil the discomfort that lapped up his back as his stutter made an entrance. Even months after, he could still feel some of the electric shocks coursing down his back. 

"Alright, if you're so su-"

"Ahem." Jeremy twisted his head to make eye contact with a smaller, petite girl standing at the end of their table. The girl's eyes were glued on Michael and he felt the unexpected tension sneaking out of the dark.

Madeline. 

Chloe physically hardened and shot the girl the most repulsive sneer she could, Jeremy was appreciative he wasn't on the receiving end of that anymore. 

"Michael, right?" Madeline crossed her arms, as she scanned him up and down with a disapproving eye, "Wow, I can't believe Travis broke up with me for  _you."_  

The tan-skinned boy went still next to him and Jeremy felt the anger pulling its way back up his chest. How fucking dare she?

"You whore-" Brooke was desperately trying to keep her girlfriend from thrusting herself at the girl but was failing miserably. Madeline smirked devilishly as she watched Chloe fight in the small blonde's grasp; this was a power play for the diminutive brunette and she was relishing every second of it.

"Why do you even care, Madeline?" Michael snapped, causing the rest of the table to snap their necks toward him as he repeated her glare, equally as harsh too, "are you jealous of me? I thought you were a one and done kinda gal or does every guy you sleep up just flee after the first round? I mean who  _haven't_ you fucked?"

Holy shit... Michael was **fuming.**

"There was Dustin Kropp, Martin Million, Harry Williams, Frankie Trot, and Jake and Travis who, by the way, suddenly both became gay after sleeping with you," Madelin was red in the face as she regarded Michael with hawk eyes, "and god knows who else there was, I wouldn't wanna admit I fucked you either." 

Madeline opened her mouth to interrupt him but Michael, Michael was on a warpath, "What's it like after so many guys? Is it like tossing a hotdog down a hallway? Can you honestly get enjoyment out of it anymore? I'm only askin' this because when you don't have sex for more than what, a week? You'll become cranky and I just wanna make sure you're satisfied, it must be tough to find a suitable partner anymore without doubling up on people. Have you started on the nursing home down the street yet? Those old men would love the entertainment."

The girl's face was flushed a bright red now, clearly embarrassed. She let out a huff before turning promptly on her heel and storming away. 

"Holy shit," Rich murmured, "HOLY SHIT, MIKE. YOU LIKE DESTROYED HER. I HONESTLY THINK THAT'S THE FIRST TIME A GUY HAS DONE THAT AND IT WASN'T SEXUALLY."

Michael shrugged nonchalantly and seized a fry off Rich's tray. The smaller boy let out a whine as the tanned boy smirked, deviously plopping the fry into his mouth. Jeremy slammed his head down on the table, a sudden pain exploded through his head and static reverberated in his ears.

**_Who'd thought that Michael Mell would climb up the social latter, he's better at that than you; doesn't even need a squip._ **

Jeremy groaned, catching the table's attention. He fucking  _hated_ the shitty little voice that randomly popped up; he doesn't see the little beast anymore but the menace's voice still rang through his head sometimes. He fucking hated it.

"You okay, Jer?" Michael's soft voice drifted through the static and Jeremy nodded apathetically, trying to shoo off the skeptical looks that were burning into his back. 

The table's conversations picked up again; Rich and Jake were in an ignited debate over school lunch while Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna where idly chattering about some new student. The static died down gradually as Jeremy tapped his foot to some arbitrary song, probably something he heard Michael singing to. 

"Oh, hey Mike?" Christine leaned her body forward to talk around Jeremy, "We need a new tech director, John Horton resigned after the last play. He said he could only handle so much crazy." She paused thinking for a moment, "I'm actually quite surprised he lasted as long as he did, he really hated it. He only ever showed up to like 3 rehearsals. He was also kinda creepy, always smelled of expired baloney..." She trailed off, furrowing her eyebrows as she pondered her next thought.

"Where was I again?" 

Michael chuckled softly and Jeremy's heart stuttered, "Tech Director?"

Christine's eyes brighten," Oh yeah! Will you please take the job?" Jeremy could tell from her voice that she was pouting, probably summoning up her best puppy dog eyes. 

"I-uh," The anxious boy felt his friend tense ever so slightly, "I guess?" 

Christine cheered happily and Jeremy wondered why he used to find that so adorable. He guessed it still kinda was but no to what he remembered it to be. God, what was Michael doing to him?

~~

The rest of the day passed by in a blur; Jeremy couldn't focus much for the rest of the day, the Squip's voice was shirking in out of his head, creating this painful tension in the back of his head. During the end of his last period, his teacher sent him out of class to get away from the chaos. He was currently leaning against some lockers, softly humming an old song his mom use to sing to him. His ears caught the sound of footsteps coming down from the end of the hallway, it seemed a second set of frantic footsteps followed shortly after.

"Michael, come back we need to address this," Jeremy caught Jenna Roland's distinctive voice echo down the hallway, "you can't keep this away from him forever."

Jeremy heard Michael let out a puff annoyance and he knew that the tan-boy was probably fiddling with his glasses, a nervous tick he accumulated after quitting smoking. 

"I plan to keep this from him as long as possible. He doesn't need to know. Jeremy's already going through too much right now. I mean dude had a fucking tictac mentally berate him for months! My problems are  _nothing_ compared to what he's going or gone through." Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows; what isn't Michael telling him?

"Michael," Jeremy heard Jenna take a deep inhale, "I know what happened at the Halloween party. I heard you through the door."

Jeremy felt his heart shatter as he thought of the Halloween party; he distinctively remembers what he told his best friend. 

Fuck

Michael let out a mournful laugh and the wounded boy felt his blood run cold, "So you know what happened? What do you want Jenna? Do you want me to do something dumb in front of the entire school, something you could spin in your little interweb?" 

"Michael no-" 

Michael laughed more, cutting Jenna off, "Look, Jeremy doesn't wanna know and I'm fine with that. He going through his own shit and I understand that-" Jeremy heard the quiver in his voice, "- I just wished I had my best friend back. Jenna, I'm walking on pins and needles around him. I'm so scared that he's gonna realize there's probably someone better and I'll be left in the dust again."

Jeremy doesn't remember what happened next because a disgustingly sweet voice raked through his head, bequeathing a sour taste in his mouth. 

_**You did this Jeremy. I had no part in the bathroom. You did this to Michael.** _

_**~~** _

The sun beamed down on his back as he leaned against the beat-up car, casting a scornful sneer at the jovial sky. It was mid-January and the sun looked as beautiful as ever, giving off this teasing appearance of 'Even at my worst, I'm better than you.' Jeremy hated it and he honestly couldn't tell you why. He granted himself a glance toward his watch, Michael should be here by now. He couldn't stop himself from allowing the anger to coil in his gut; Michael was probably with Travis and that  _terrified_ him. Call him selfish but, Jeremy just got him back and yes, of course, he knows it his fault for the awkward tension that hung between the two but he doesn't wanna share him. He wants, no,  _needs_ Michael to himself. 

The sound of laughter drifted toward Jeremy's ears and his head shot toward the direction. Michael was walking with Travis, their hands were bumping against one another; Jeremy felt his face morphe into a disgusted scowl but quickly dismissed it. He needs to get over this and fast. 

He watched the two with hawk eyes as they approached, he couldn't help the butterflies racing through his stomach as Michael caught his eyes and smiled so goddamn wide that it looked like it hurt. Jeremy basked in the glory that he caused that and not Travis. 

Oh god, he's hopeless.

"Oh hey!" Michael's smile softened as Jeremy called out for him, "I canceled on Christine and was hoping we could maybe head to your place and have some kinda marathon, ya know?" 

The tan-boy nodded enthusiastically, "Yes! Dude, we totally need to binge this new show I found. I totally think you'll dig it!" The two boys were erupting with glee, they both needed this. 

Jeremy blanked a little as Michael leaned toward Travis and said goodbye, he didn't let the transaction between the two effect his mood. He was gonna spend time with Michael and he was gonna savor it.  He resisted the gag that came flowing up his throat though as Travis kissed his best friend's forehead and promised to text him later. 

Nope, this would not effect Jeremy one bit. 

The two boys piled into the worn, vintage car. Jeremy was immediately given the AUX and he greedily accepted it. He plugged his phone up and scrolled through his playlist.

"Hmm," He hummed contentedly as he ran a hand through his hair, "Whatcha think, Micha, Adele, Sam Smith, or Hozier?" Michael and Jeremy were counterparts in musical taste. It's not either of them despised the other's taste, it's just they both demanded to be in certain moods to welcome the opposites music choices. 

"Hm, I'm in the mood for some Hozier. I love that man's voice." Jeremy hummed in satisfaction as he shuffled the playlist. 

The car became filled with the soft, nurturing voice of Hozier; the relaxing melodies carried the boys to an amicable silence. It was nice and so calming that Jeremy unintentionally dozed off as Michael pulled into his driveway. 

Jeremy jerked awake as Michael purposely slammed on his breaks, causing the lean boy to launch forward a bit. He bit back a nasty remark as Michael laughed at him. 

The two chatted idly as they walked into the tan-boys house, an overwhelming sense of guilt rushed Jeremy though as he crossed the threshold of the Mell residence. It's been months since he's properly been in the house. 

The first thing he noticed was the 'Sorry for your lost' cards still piled up on the counter in the kitchen. His eyes were glued to it. It's been months, why are the Mell's getting these cards still? They don't need the constant reminder of what they lost shoved into their face with colorful, inspiring cards. 

Michael noticed his gaze and sighed, "Ever since dad's fans found out that Elanor was his daughter, " The dark-haired male hardened his gaze, "they send these in. I guess it's alright. Mom loves them, she reads all of them while Nanay hates them. I kinda do too I guess." 

Jeremy offered him a soft smile and Michael hesitantly returned it. 

Michael's older sister was killed in a car accident last June and Jeremy knew it hit him hard. Michael comes from a very close-knit family. He has two older siblings, Elanor and Gabriel, and he has his dad and moms. It's kinda confusing really. Michael's mothers have been together forever and had tried to adopt many times but were rejected. It was a different time back then and the couple resorted to a family friend. Michael's Nanay's best friend offered to be the donor and the rest was just history. His Tatay wasn't supposed to be in his life, they had agreed that he would just offer his goods and nothing more but it was mutually decided after Elanor was born that if he wanted to be in their lives then he could. Michael always liked to mess with people when they asked about his parents. He once told a girl in middle school that he was the product of a threesome gone wrong. 

The pair of boys sat there for a moment, an awkward silence encompassed them.  

"Snacks?" 

"Yeah."

Jeremy hopped onto the kitchen counter as he watched Michael run around the small kitchen. He started up a conversation, mostly to himself, as Michael gathered the needed supplies. He talked about his stupid English teacher and how they were gonna have to work with partners on some stupid book assignment. 

"I don't see why I can't just work by myself." He huffed as Michael placed a package of oreo's next to him, he grabbed one of the creme cookies and tossed it angrily into his mouth, "It' no' like i 'eally 'eed the hel' " 

Michael laughed, "Dude, I think it's supposed to show you can work well with others," He grabbed some random bottles from the fridge, "ya gotta be a team player, Jer." 

He groaned shoving another oreo into his mouth. 

"Is that a Jeremy I hear?" Both the boy whipped their heads to see Michael's mother and older brother standing in the doorway. Jasmin, Michael's mom, had a huge smile on her face. 

Jeremy hopped down from the counter and rushed to embrace the older woman. He loved Michael's mom to death and he suddenly realized how much he's missed him. 

Jasmin pulled away and placed her hands on the pale boy's cheeks, "Now where do you think you've been for all these months?" Jeremy flinched and rushed to think of an excuse. 

"Uh, studying?" He tried but he knew the older woman didn't believe him.

Michael's mom was a tiny, brown-haired Ecuadorian woman.  Jasmin was the birth mother to all her children, and they all had her soft facial features but other than that, they were all carbon copies of their father, George. Jeremy noticed the dark bags that rested under eyes, and her smile seemed tired and exhausted. She was still grieving and he didn't blame her.

She looked at him accusingly but turned to look at Michael, "Your Nanay wanted me to tell you that Dr. Kelaton had rescheduled your appointment from tomorrow afternoon to the morning. So I expect Jeremy to be gone by no later than 9:45 and you, young man, in bed by 10:30. " 

Dr. Kelaton... Michael's old therapist? 

What had he missed?

~~

They talked all together for a while before the boys decided they needed to start this new show. So now they were sat in their respected beanbags, a horde of snack lay between the two. Jeremy couldn't focus though, his mind kept drifting back to Michael and what he heard. He reached forward and muted the T.V. causing the tan-boy next to him to groan. 

"Hey!-"

"What happened after I left the bathroom at the Halloween party." 

Even in the dimmed lights of the basement, he could see Michael audibly gulp. 

Here goes that perfect afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be afraid to send me constructive feedback! I need it lmao. I also rushed to finish this and im not like super happy about it but next chapter is mostly gonna be like flashbacks and like emotions so be prepared.


	3. The Loneliness is Suffocating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael goes into what happened in that horrible bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoinks Scoobs, I let my friend read this so now I'm forced to update ;)))))

_The buzz he had developed dissolved pathetically as he stared hopelessly at the white, pristine bathroom wall. Michael felt himself chuckle dejectedly as hot, salty tears slid easily down his face. The rough feeling of his 'Creepers' sweater on his cheeks as he wiped away the tears as they fell grounded him long enough to keep his breathing steady and even.  He heard the distant thumping of music from the loud surround sound speakers downstairs, reminding him that he could not start freaking out._

_The aching feeling in his heart grew ten-fold, catching him off guard for a moment. His steady breathing faltered and he suddenly was taking huge gulps of air into his lungs to get rid of the sinking feeling in his chest. The images of the once anxious boy flashed through his mind and Michael let out a pained hiss as his venomous words struck him again._

_" **And I thought Chloe was jealous."**  _

_Michael squeezed his eyes shut as his once best friend's voice sneered through his head. He wished he could hear Jeremy's soothing words or feel his encouraging hugs but he reminded himself that the only reason he was in this situation was because of Jeremy._

_" **Get out of my way, Loser."**_

_Loser. He laughed bitterly as he choked on his tears again. The thought of Jeremy outside ignoring him as he had a mental fucking breakdown in the bathroom of the most popular guy in his grade's party made him shrink lower into himself.  He buried his head in his knees as his composure snapped completely. His body was shaking with the sobs that overcame him, a tidal wave of repressed emotions._

_A heavyweight in his left pocket distracted him long enough to ease his sobbing; he clawed the pocket of his cargo shorts, fishing out the object from their resting place._

_The worn box of Marlboro Light's flashed beautifully under the blinding bathroom lights._

_Michael praises whatever twisted god that convinced him to wear pants from over a year ago._

_The tan-boy fishing around his pockets to find the Pacman lighter Jeremy bought him a couple of months after they started smoking weed together._

**_"I thought it would be better if you had your own lighter instead of sneaking around with your mom's."_ ** _Michael pushed the agonizing memory away from his thoughts as he grabbed the thin stick from it's home. He placed it between his lips - noting the subtle differences between it and his preferred joint._

_He snaps the lighter to life, letting himself become memorized in the dancing flame. He brings it slowly toward his mouth and lights the end of his cigarette. He nearly moans as the tobacco smoke infiltrates his mouth; he didn't realize how much he craved the burning feeling of nicotine in the back of his throat till it was swiftly trapped in his mouth again._

_Michael is heavy again as he lets the smoke roll out his mouth. He can hear Jeremy's pleas running through his head as he takes another drag from the cancerous drug. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness strikes him deep and hard. Jeremy's not here to beg him to stop this crazy habit of his - he's not here to care._

_Another sob escapes him before Michael could even think to stop it. He feels the disappointment weigh on him and within an instant, he's squishing his cigarette into his palm._

**_"Fuck,"_ ** _He seethes as he slammed his hand down on the cool tile, trying to stop the searing pain running through his palm. His fingers find themselves scratching at the grout stuck between the crisp tiles. Michael digs his fingernails into the ground, not caring for the splitting of his already blunt nails._

**_Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock!_ **

_Angry voices slice through the white wooden door, scaring Michael - a pathetic sense of dread coursed through his body. He shakily rises to his feet, using the porcelain to steady the trembling._

_" **O-oh hell ye-yeah I'll b-be out soon!"** He cringed as his voice cracked deplorably._

_He took slow steps to the sink - taking in the presence in the mirror. Michael looked like shit. His black hair was a mess, his hand reached up and carded a hand through it unintentionally; the dark brown eyes he usually sported were lighter and the white around his irises were red and inflamed almost. The underneath of his eyes were puffy and covered in dark bags from the man restless night's he's had recently. Michael would have laughed at his pitiable state but the tiny voice in his head made an appearance._

_" **Fuckin' look at you. "** the voice snarled out, " **Crying over Jeremy? He was never your true friend Michael. He was pitying you; he was waiting for the right moment to leave your sorry ass, the Squip was an opening that he took. Could you really be mad at him for seeing a great opportunity and taking it? What kinda friend are you, getting upset because someone left you? Boohoo, get over it, Michael. You were nothing to him."**_

**_Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang!_ **

_The trembling through his body didn't stop as the voice took the course through his emotions. It wasn't really like the Squip, a figment of Michael's deeper, inner insecurities._

_" **Awe, you're panicking, how adorable. Grow the fuck up, Michael - You meant nothing to Jeremy. He walked out easily and he's out there experiencing himself. He's able to make new friends without you going and scaring them off. You're wretched, so fucking pathetic. I'm quite surprised Jeremy even made it as long as he did - twelve years of friendship. I would have taken the easy way out - like Elanor.  We both know she wasn't in some accident like your family recounts. Your sister killed herself and it was probably to get away from you."**_

_Michael couldn't breathe, he gripped the sink as his life depended on it. The pressure in his chest was too much and he was struggling to get the air to come in and out. He hated himself, and he hated how  Jeremy got to walk out like it was nothing - like he was nothing._

_He rushed to turn the facet on, allowing the refreshing water to run over his hands. He quickly splashed it on his face, wiping away the tears and hopefully the pain. Michael leaned forward, letting the water drip off his face as he steadied his breathing for the fourth time that night - he discovered if he hums a tune in his head, he can't hear his insecurities._

_He allowed his eyes to drift upwards to meet themselves in the mirror, " **Awesome party."**_

~~  
  


The basement grew tense as Michael shakily stopped explaining one of the worst nights in his life. He refused to look up and catch Jeremy's eye - afraid that the boy across from him would burst into laughter if they met eyes. 

"Michael..." Jeremy whispered, letting his hand reach over and grasp the tan boy's shaking hands in his own. 

"I - I know it's stupid. I don't deserve your pity or want it really. It'll never be compared to what you went through- " 

"Michael, the voice inside my head was a computer, of course, it could have fed on my insecurities but it amplified my thoughts to make them more dangerous than they actually were. You- you" Jeremy couldn't fathom what Michael went through; the squip usually kept things that were too taxing on him away from his mind, conceding that Jeremy couldn't handle them. Michael had nothing to help him filter his thoughts. 

Michael shrugged, still refusing to meet Jeremy's eyes. 

"I'm sorry," Michael shot his head up to stare the anxious boy, "I didn't want for you to go through any pain." 

Jeremy nervously flips his friend's hand over, staring at the tiny cigarette burn on his palm. Michael watches with wide eyes as Jeremy brings the palm to his mouth, placing a light kiss on the burn mark

"I'm sorry." 

The two teens stare at each other for a moment, a pregnant pause overcame both of them. Without warning, the two are wrapped up in a tight hug - tears gliding down their cheeks as they apologize to one another. They stay like this for a while, allowing themselves to believe they are to blame. 

The pair realize that during that moment, they love each other and suddenly it isn't enough for them but the fear lurks.

This would do for now. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short of a chapter but I mainly wanted this to be about the bathroom and the light little fluff at the end. I promise it gets happier :)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! This is honestly a huge work in progress but I'm excited about it!


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